Mister_NES's Xanga

Of Dreams and Nightmares

Sat, 19 Jul 2008 03:56:35 GMT

The following is fiction based on my own thoughts:

Jake woke up.

It wasn't exactly time to wake up, and it wasn't exactly too early to do so either. Either way, it was a time when he didn't want to wake up. It's just that he had no choice.

It was a bad dream. Not a nightmare. but a bad dream. To Jake, nightmares were thrilling occurrences that gave the feel of some of his favorite slasher flicks; a thing which Jake could not get enough of. They were something that he woke up from with a rush of adrenaline. In other words, he liked nightmares.

Bad dreams were different. They were depressing things that reminded him of the dull loneliness of his every day life, only worse. If he was desperate and lonely in his life, he was outright excluded by society in his dreams. If he was depressed in his day, he was suicidal in his sleep. Dreams tend to exaggerate.

In this particular dream, there was Jenn, who had recently moved in with Tom, her new boyfriend.

It was a typical scenario of a night out with the guys: walking through downtown, drinks already in their stomachs and heads, looking at women, cat calls and laughs all around, good times being had. Whenever Jake was with his friends, he had not even the slightest care about anything else, not even Jenn. That is, unless they were to run into her at some point in this dream, which of course is exactly what happened.

Jenn was holding Tom's hand. Jake didn't even have to see that it was Tom to know that it was his hand. Jake mostly stayed focused on Jenn's eyes.

The very discomfort of the situation made Jake break the gaze and try to focus on his surrounding friends. But since dreams often have their ways of making sudden changes, every last one of his comrades was with their own significant other. The only thing worse than being alone is seeing other people not being alone, especially your closest of friends.

Unable to bear the sight, all Jake could do was return to gazing at the newly taken Jenn and scream "Why did it have to be my fault? Why did I have to shit all over you?"

Jake woke up screaming that last sentence, only to find that he had fallen asleep in the very restroom stall where he had previously vomited. The phrase must have sounded hilarious to the bouncer, who was now pounding on the stall door.

It was time to go.

Questionings

Wed, 18 Jun 2008 14:13:28 GMT

I've come to two major realizations today:

1. I'm not much of a team-worker. I know what readers are going to say: "Well, then learn to become a team worker!" This leads me to my next point:

2. Learning is becoming increasingly difficult as I approach the age of 30. One of my gaijin friends' who's studied psychology has told me that he had learned that people to tend to become more set in their ways and their knowledge around the age of 30. I'm 27 (and although I don't appear so on the outside, I feel it on the inside).

This explains a lot. It explains why I'm having trouble learning Japanese. It explains why I find myself constantly wanting to change habits, but not doing so.

It also explains as to why I should stop making excuses and just work all the harder. But fuck, I'm too damn close to 30 (sorry if I offend any readers who are 30 and over, you guys actually rock).

I Went to a Gaijin "Hook Up" Party in Hitachi...

Sun, 15 Jun 2008 13:04:36 GMT

...and it ended up being more like a "Let's All Watch the Funny Drunk Gaijin Party." But a part of me thinks it's better that way anyway. If you actually see it as a "Hook Up" party you're bound to feel pressured, possibly disappointed, and even depressed. My opinion is that when looking for a girlfriend, don't go "looking for a girlfriend." In other words, don't worry about such things too much.

So yeah, needless to say, I didn't "hook up," but I did get to know one of my new friends better. Basically, we rode the train back from Hitachi to Mito, and then walked all the way from Mito Station to our town (the walk took us about an hour and a half) so talking was pretty much inevitable. One of the things we mentioned was how sick we were of gaijin dudes coming here just wanting to score some Japanese tail and flaunting how many of such tails they have bagged.

My point here is that although it may be a rather crude statement (when it comes to the way in which it refers to women), I do believe in "Bros before hos." Or at least sometimes I think I do. There are certain things that a fellow male friend can relate to that most women can't. I'm sure it's a similar situation for a lot of women.

But still, sometimes I think that if my Japanese were better, I'd get me summa dat J-TAIL!!! (woot)

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Wed, 11 Jun 2008 10:39:27 GMT

It wants me to leave
Wants me to go, give up, throw in the towel

Or perhaps it's not an it, but a they

Yes...THEY want me to give up!
They want me to pick up my belongings and head home
Or even better, not head home, but simply drill myself a hole into the fiery pits of Hell.

And to them I say "I have nowhere else to go, and nothing else to do."

Fuck 'em.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Wed, 11 Jun 2008 10:31:37 GMT

It wants me to leave
Wants me to go, give up, throw in the towel

Or perhaps it's not an it, but a they

Yes...THEY want me to give up!
They want me to pick my belongings and head home
Or even better, not head home, but simply pack it all in, send my soul to Hell

And to them I say "I have nowhere else to go, and nothing else to do."

Fuck 'em.

I Teach Elementary School Kids About Twice Per Week

Tue, 10 Jun 2008 12:58:08 GMT

They try to kancho me.

They attempt to sock my balls.

They ask me if I like boobies (I'm not telling them the truth).

And yet I kind of like most of the elementary kids that I teach. They're fun, actually want to play with me, and don't think they're too cool for any of my bullshit. It's when they hit "chugakko" that they begin to to turn into true bastards. Or at least a lot of them do. And by the time they reach high school, they're all giving me dirty looks and stares. Can it be said that I fucking hate most teenagers (although there are the cool ones, but those sorts seem rather rare).

Or perhaps my attitude just needs a change. Sadly, that's probably it.

At Crossroads Again

Tue, 03 Jun 2008 13:02:42 GMT

I've been questioning the overall direction of my life yet again. My car back home was just recently sold, but my mother is now talking about how the money would make a great down payment for my next car upon my eventual return to the US. It's like my mother keeps thinking I'll be returning home relatively soon. But the reality is, I'm not sure if I'll ever permanently return home.

Another issue is that I've just recently found myself in a position in which I'm taking on more of a leader role in terms of my life as a "teacher." I'm being given more opportunities to actually teach instead of being a human tape recorder. This is good in many ways, however, this also has made me question whether or not I really want to even be a teacher. I love Japan, and want to stay here, but do I really want to be a teacher? I'm finding myself with a knack for other fields as well, but none of them are fields in which a gaijin and by that I mean one currently living in Japan) could easily be employed.

Tokyo is seeming like a pretty good option, even if I do just start out there as a teacher. A competitive market indeed, but nothing worth achieving is ever easy.

Integration

Tue, 27 May 2008 11:19:24 GMT

I've recently had an interesting discussion with other foreigners about how we as "gaijin" will never be seen as a part of Japanese society. This may be true for us in this generation, but I still see no need for pessimism about the whole situation.

One woman mentioned how she has made every last effort to integrate herself into Japanese society, but still hasn't felt like she was a part of the culture. I think that her efforts are the exact problem. Making every last effort to be something that you are not will not make you become that thing. Such efforts are superficial in their nature.

Instead of trying to figure out who you are within the culture, you're trying to figure out the culture as a whole. I have to ask, when was the last time someone understood every aspect (or even a large number thereof) of their own home culture? Never. And yet many of us seem to be OK with that, because many of us already know who we are within the context of our own cultures.

Let's put it this way, I'm a white American, yet I don't care for (or even get) most of current American pop culture, yet I am quite fond of classic American film and retro video games. Not all Americans are the same way, though.

And within Japan, I hate karaoke and enkai (yet many Japanese and even immigrants love this stuff; I also know Japanese who hate them), but I love gemusentaa and kendo (I know many Japanese and not just immigrants who HATE such things).

Basically, my opinion on integration into a culture is to not really worry about it. Just be who you are and find what you like within the culture, the rest is just frivolous.

I Hate Monotony

Sun, 25 May 2008 12:34:42 GMT

I'm going to admit the fact that the things of everyday life often bore and even outright annoy me. I confess that there have been times where I wished that a disaster, death in the family, murder, or any other sort of tragedy would occur just to break the monotony of things. I think that this is why I have been gravitating towards jobs with the least amount of monotony as possible lately.

I think I'm just one of those people who doesn't really like structure. This is why I honestly hate formal Japanese education. It's not only structured, but it seems to use its structure as a means of turning it's students into little robots whose only escape is consumer whoredom. I know because I have lately become one of such people.

EDIT: I hope I don't give people the wrong impression. There are things that I do like about the structure of the Japanese education system. It's just that sometimes it annoys me. And when things annoy me, I rant about them.

One Fine Day in Tokyo

Sun, 16 Mar 2008 12:02:19 GMT

OK, so I went to Tokyo and ended up filming this damn thing (I hope I don't scare anyone off):

I'm going to Hell. I hope and pray my students (or even worse, co-workers) never see this.

Anyway, later that day, in the evening, I met up with some friends and we all went to see Plaza Suite by Neil Simon, performed by the Tokyo International Players. I found their approach rather interesting. Basically, they carried they approached it as if they were filming a sitcom before a live studio audience. They had cameras, make-up artists, set crew, and everything on the set, all behaving as if they were filming a TV show. Hell, you even had actors improving conflicts between the "tapings" of "episodes." I admittedly had my nitpicks about some of the actors, but I enjoyed it on the whole.

Lately, I've kind of had this sense of lacking talent, going nowhere, and not doing a damn thing about it. Or maybe I'm just feeling unnoticed or under-appreciated. Either way, it can take its emotional toll on you. However, any sort of expectation for me to fail only makes me want to say "fuck you" and try harder. So to those whom may expect me to just curl up into a little ball and cry myself to sleep, I say "Thank youfor giving me one more reason not to quit."